Mama Deb ([info]mamadebfic) wrote,
@ 2004-12-20 20:55:00
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Brilliant Match
This story is written for [info]bookshop for [info]marginalia's HP Slash Wedding Challenge.

She wanted H/D. She got H/D.

Purest fluff. Thank you, [info]theunblonde and [info]ohevet_likro for your fast betas.



Brilliant Match

Hermione waited with Harry in the chapel.

She smiled at him. "I do wish Ron..."

Harry nodded. "Me, too. But I'm glad you're here."

He looked handsome enough in his wedding robes. Malfoy, coming down the aisle on his mother's arm, looked like a wedding cake - satin and lace and a matching hat. On his side of the aisle, Lucius Malfoy, resplendent in dark velvet and Azkaban chains, wept with joy.

"My baby boy! In my wedding robes! I've dreamed of this day! If only Rabastan were here." The guard by his side wiped his own eyes on a large pink and aquamarine handkerchief and nodded.

"It's beautiful, it is."

Professor McGonagall, in tartan splendor, beamed from behind the lectern. Lupin and Snape smiled at each other from their seats across the aisle from one another.

The world had obviously gone mad.

--------------

"He's marrying Draco Malfoy." Hermione had seen no reason to beat around the bush. She sat down next to Ginny at the Ministry canteen. "He Floo'd me last night. Can you believe it?"

Ginny squealed. Squealed. "What brilliant news! Mum and Dad are going to burst!"

"Ginny. He's marrying the son of a convicted Death Eater. Son."

"Malfoy isn't one, though. Never has been. Too much of a coward. You know that." She jumped up. "If I don't owl Mum straightaway, she'll never forgive me."

Hermione followed her out with her eyes. This was an entirely wrong response. She sighed and started to eat her elevenses.

Later, she met Pansy Parkinson on her way back to her laboratory. "Did you hear, Granger?"

"Hear what?"

"Draco's marrying your mate Potter. Surely he must have owled you already." Parkinson's smile was real and happy. Hermione wasn't sure she'd ever seen that before.

"He told me last night, actually. You're...happy about this?"

Parkinson stared. "Of course. Aren't you? This is the best thing either one could have done. It's perfect." At Hermione's blink, she shrugged. "Mu...Muggleborns. Did you get any of the supplies you requisitioned last week?"

"Not a one. You either?"

"No, and my cauldron filters are all clogged." They parted at Parkinson's laboratory door, with Hermione still more confused.

The next day, the announcement came out in the Prophet , with a front page article. Harry floo'd her in despair, but he told her Draco preened about it. And the owls kept coming.

And coming.

All of their surviving friends seemed to be writing to her, because she was Harry's best friend now, and thus had to know everything. And most of them were excited and happy. The only sane ones came from the other Muggleraised people.

"I'm going to send them both a Howler." Dennis refused to be convinced otherwise. Hermione had to have sent him ten letters that night.

"How...how could you let him do that?" Lavender's head dripped tears into Hermione's fireplace. "You're his best friend since...since...that awful time. Why are you letting him...and Draco's a man."

Yeah, those were the sane ones. How could Harry do that to her? Next thing you know, she'd be taking chances like a maniac or crying over dead bunnies.

She gave up trying to make sense when she realized that there were Best Witch robes at Madam Malkin's. And they weren't nice, tailored ones like she preferred to wear.

Ginny had gone with her. "Oh, Hermione, they're lovely!"

"They're chiffon. Six layers of chiffon. Pale green chiffon. Over cloth-of-gold. And I'll look pregnant in that cut."

"Oh, don't be silly. You'll look so pretty. Harry does have exquisite taste, just like Draco. Maybe they'll find each other tolerable, you know?" And she put the pointed green and gold hat on Hermione's head.

"What do you mean by that? Surely, they love each other." She adjusted the hat, trying to find an attractive angle and failing utterly.

Ginny, who was now putting on a set of truly flattering russet dress robes that echoed the tones of her hair, stared at her again. "They're getting married, not dating each other."

Marshalling all of her intellect, Hermione managed to come up with a response. "Huh?"

"Oh, dear." Ginny took Hermione by the hand and sat her and the chiffon down on a bench. "When I marry, it'll be for love. When you marry, and I hope you find the right witch or wizard soon - " Witch? "you'll probably marry for love. But no one expects a Malfoy to do that, and honestly, Harry probably couldn't, either. Of course, usually Malfoys marry witches, so they couldn't love them anyway."

Hermione could only blink.

"Oh, goodness, Hermione. You didn't know? I don't think there has been a straight Malfoy man since the Restoration. They've been breeding for homosexuality since Salazar's day. Cuts down on bastards, you know? Also makes for a fabulous Manor. And then they can pick a wife for her connections plus ability to run the estate and entertain and have a child or two. If she preferred her own sex, so much the better." Ginny grinned. "So this is doubly ironic. The best possible marriage Draco could make is to a man, but it's to a man he hates."

"But poor Harry!"

"Harry will be fine. He has to know this is brilliant. It brings both sides together, so we don't ever have a repeat of this bloody War, and it unites their fortunes. And he can have all the girlfriends he wants, especially if one of them wants to carry his heir."

"Ginny. Harry's gay, too. He dated half the Hufflepuff boys during the War. Remember?" Hermione got up. The chiffon got up with her.

"So? He'll take on boys, then. He's rich, handsome and famous. All they need is a broodmare, and she can carry their heir to term. They can do the whole thing by owl if they want. I couldn't be happier for him."

Insane. All of them were insane.

And now here she was, in that damned chiffon, standing next to Harry as his bridegroom the wedding cake walked down the aisle, his mother looking as if she were showing off her prize poodle beside him. And everyone was applauding, and it was a nightmare. She'd been trying to pull Harry aside for weeks to talk some sense into him, but he kept on arguing with Malfoy about flower arrangements and ignoring her. Flower arrangements! He wasn't even carrying a bouquet.

Draco, however, was. White roses tied with more lace. It was more precious than the dress.

And Dennis Creevey was recording it all for both The Prophet and The Quibbler. He'd sent the Howler, but Harry insisted anyway he be there with his brother's camera anyway.

Finally, Draco reached the podium. Mrs.Malfoy, wiping her face with still more lace, sat next to her husband and smiled at him. He smiled damply back.

And Draco looked at Harry, and Hermione looked at one to the other. Both men had tears in their eyes, and when Harry reached out to take Draco's hand, his own hand trembled.

How had she not noticed this before? How had she been this blind? How had she not seen that they were truly in love? And how could he do that to her?

They tore their eyes apart very quickly, as if guilty about something - and then both of them winked at her.

McGonagall performed a passable ceremony; they had a perfunctory kiss at the end, which made Mrs. Weasley, Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Malfoy's guard all cry very loudly and then they walked as far apart as they could down the aisle.

But later on, when the reception was in full swing, Hermione managed to catch them snogging behind a very large pot plant. She grinned at them and went to claim a dance from Ginny.



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[info]bookshop
2004-12-21 02:21 am UTC (link)

Hahaha! Oh I love this! It was smart and snappy and sexually confused!Hermione is BRILLIANT, and I got a huge huge kick out of the chiffon, hahaha, and Ginny's aplomb, and the Gryffindorian Raaaage, heee, and all the straight-out-of-Tipping the Velvet garb Hermione seems to be decked out in. "His bridegroom the wedding cake!" Heee! Draco carrying roses! :D :D :D So fabulous. I love how clearly you conveyed Harry and Draco's characters together through Hermione's oh-so-perplexed point of view. You did a lovely job and I thought this was just fantastically sweet and funny.

I hope Hermione really enjoyed that dance with Ginny, too. ;)

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[info]mamadeb
2004-12-21 03:01 am UTC (link)
I am so happy you liked this. It's been a long time since I did humor.

And she very much did enjoy the dance. :)

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[info]bookshop
2004-12-21 02:21 am UTC (link)

Oh and I forgot to say THANK YOU!!!! ♥♥♥♥♥

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[info]mamadeb
2004-12-21 03:02 am UTC (link)
You're very welcome.

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[info]kassrachel
2004-12-21 04:18 am UTC (link)
Okay, it's not a pairing I usually buy, and I don't generally do wedding stories, and yet it's hilarious. :-)

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[info]mamadeb
2004-12-21 12:22 pm UTC (link)
:) Thank you. I try.

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[info]azurelunatic
2004-12-21 07:13 am UTC (link)
This is so utterly scary it's hilarious.

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[info]mamadeb
2004-12-21 12:23 pm UTC (link)
Thank you. :)

Um. Why is the girl in your icon pretending to be a menorah?

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[info]azurelunatic
2004-12-21 12:38 pm UTC (link)
It was Santa Lucia (St. Lucy)'s Day a good ten or more years ago. The eldest daughter of the household dresses up like so, complete with lit candles, and brings rolls and such to the rest of the household, singing.

Since the visiting professor was Swedish, my father enthusiastically decided to try out the tradition, and the eldest daughter was me. I was not thrilled with having Lit Candles On My Head. After the candles were blown out, I was much happier.

The hen in this second picture had her own white dress and red sash that I made for her later. She was not entirely happy with this.

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[info]mamadeb
2004-12-21 12:43 pm UTC (link)
Okay. You were very pretty with candles on your head, and I'd be much happier too, to not have hot wax dripping on me or, you know. Fire on my head.

But the hen costume...that takes imagination. And a cooperative hen.

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[info]azurelunatic
2004-12-21 12:52 pm UTC (link)
We had some very cooperative hens. Many girls try dressing their cats in doll clothes. We didn't have cats, but we did have chickens. So we discovered that a skirt intended for an American Girl-sized doll makes an excellent dress for a full-sized hen. So we started tailoring clothes specifically for the birds.

All that was really required of the hens was that they hold reasonably still, and agree to be held and petted. The cooperative hens learned that there were extra treats in it for them if they let us play with them. Since most of them had been raised from chicks to be accustomed to us playing with them, they put up with it for the most part, though they were none too thrilled about being caught.

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[info]azurelunatic
2004-12-21 12:56 pm UTC (link)
Once we had a chicken wedding. It was between the lead rooster and his favorite hen, and I believe they already had a grown chick at that point. The hen was in a lovely lacy white dress, with a veil, and there was a dress vest for the rooster, and we oiled their combs and wattles and washed their feet.

There were guests and cornbread cake, and my father read them some very appropriate vows.

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[info]tiferet
2004-12-21 07:53 am UTC (link)
*giggles madly* Heeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

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[info]mamadeb
2004-12-21 12:24 pm UTC (link)
Yay! It worked.

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[info]ralnamalfoy
2005-06-30 02:23 pm UTC (link)
aww, that was just.. so sweet ^^ *sigh*

~Ralna

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[info]ura_hd
2005-09-07 08:09 pm UTC (link)
funny in a cute way or cute in a funny way. great job!

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[info]helenplamp
2005-11-08 02:18 pm UTC (link)
Ohh dear.. I was laughing my ass of.. and wanted to cry to..THIS ROCKS.. lol

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[info]mamadeb
2005-11-08 04:53 pm UTC (link)
:) I'm glad you like it!

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[info]helenplamp
2005-11-08 04:55 pm UTC (link)
Loved it..

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[info]terrible_tues
2007-09-07 01:12 pm UTC (link)
"They've been breeding for homosexuality since Salazar's day. Cuts down on bastards, you know?" This is a great idea, and it made me grin. Clever you. Thanks for the story. I saw it listed at http://marginalia.livejournal.com/532180.html

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[info]sisika
2008-10-12 06:43 pm UTC (link)
LMAO!! I've never ever read a funnier Hermione before. :D Made me laugh!

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